Shellshocked and Shellacked: 1.43

If you're new to Assistant/Atlas, you won't know that reason I started this blog [check out the Pilot Blog for more] is to essentially complain about the conditions of my workplace. Little did I know that this blog would be witness to such . . . insanity. Now, obviously, I knew what sort of job I was getting into-- I knew there would be insanity.

Look, the reasons I started the "Poop on Ryan Seacrest's Star Contest" were many: cosmic justice, to satisfy my sense of humor, to protest the current "Walk of Fame" star deployment system, and yes, a blog traffic boost. When I posted it, I thought it was stupid, but funny enough. I had no idea that within a month I would've garnered a mention in countless cool as heckfire blogs, been interviewed by KROQ, made national syndication on Celebrity Justice, and soared on Google searchlists for "Ryan Seacrest" and "Ryan Seacrest's Star" from obscurity into prominence.

In the meantime, the three other people in our office had MAJOR drama. One became unexpectedly pregnant [Maggie the fortyish receptionist] and I finally confirmed that the other two [my boss, Sloane, and clueless intern Bubbles] were sleeping together. The more I think about it, the more I can't believe I didn't see it coming. I mean, Sloane had been too happy, things had been too good, and I know he ain't gettin' none at home. His wife is a frosty-bitch.

And on that fateful Thursday night, I remember this so clearly now because it should've set off alarm bells-- Sloane asked me to run something to FedEx at the last minute, then told me I should just head home. Why wouldn't intern Bubbles do that? At the time, I was just ecstatic to be leaving early I didn't even question it. But then I remembered-- and this confirmed it for me--Sloane said, "After you go by FedEx, you can just home, Atlas. You've been working hard enough this week and I want you to know I appreciate that." Then, like a demon robot, Sloane extended a claw and patted my shoulder. [shudder]

But even things like "Joss Stone Sexes Up the Office [Episode 1.34]" should've clued me in to the Sloane/Bubbles tryst. Anytime Sloane becomes nice, I should know something truly terrifying is happening. And if you've seen Alias lately, you'll know what I'm talking about. There's a reason I named this guy Sloane, people.

I'm such a fool.

But now, dear readers, I'm in crisis mode. The dynamic of the office has changed-- I've gained an awkward power, but in doing so, heightened the stakes. It's like I'm a small country that has just developed a nuclear weapon-- if I actually use it, I can devastate my enemies, but in doing so, I'm sure to be wiped off the map.

Plus, Maggie, my closest office ally, is pregnant. Sloane will probably be looking to replace her with someone cheaper and younger than the woman who's worked for him for like ten years once the baby comes due. Someone who'll be just a receptionist and not an office manager like Maggie effectively is. I discovered she does a lot of the bookkeeping that I just assumed Sloane was doing. Without her, it will likely fall to me to cook, boil and simmer the books. [we all know Sloane doesn't have the mental capacity to do it himself]

Hell, he might not even replace her. Just let me be further bogged down by fielding every last call. That'll help us really get things going. Oy vey, what a mess.