Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

In Praise of the Gays: 5.15

It's especially sad that this article appeared on Yahoo today in light of what happened just this evening to me.

And the happening was that the good people of West Hollywood saved my a$$. Basically, I was heading from Hollywood toward Venice and crossing through Weho (Fountain to La Cienega, cut down to Santa Monica or Melrose and get over onto Robertson) when my car totally crapped out. It basically sputtered, the lights flickered, and it just died-- I'd just turned off Santa Monica onto Robertson.

I effing hate my car by the way. I'd tell you what it is, but I'm a little embarrassed by it. After all, in LA, you might as well be your car. And if that were really true, I'd be a steaming pile of crap.

But back to my gay saviors. I managed to pull over into a sort of non-spot right past Ultra-Suede. I put the car in park, tried to start it- nothing. I pounded the steering wheel ferociously for a few moments. Then I tried again. Still nothing. A bit more pounding and then I just closed my eyes and rested my forehead on the steering wheel and tried to just spontaneously die. Still nothing.

I got out, tried to lift my stupid, stupid car's hood, remembered the latch, then couldn't find the stupid latch, and finally, buried my face in my hands.

And that's when I heard: "Do you need some help?"

And there they were- my gay saviors- who kinda looked like the Fab 3 Who Smoke. They'll be played by the Fab Five as they'll be joined shortly by two more queer savior types.
Gays to the Rescue!

It was the scruffy Not-Kyan of the group speaking to me, with a sympathetic look on his face.

A little slow in the head, I said: "I, um, my car died."

Apparently, this is funny. The Fab 3 laugh, and then Not-Kyan says: "Sh--, it's not like you died."

And then, in spite of wanting to die a few moments earlier, I laughed.

And then Not-Kyan says: "So it doesn't just need a jump? I have a good tow company on speed dial. . . if you want." And his friend, who was Latino and is therefore the Not-Jai, gives him a look.
So Not-Kyan offers an explanation: "My car gives me trouble from time to time. It's cheap- like 60 or 80 bucks for anywhere fairly nearby."

I'm kinda stunned that anyone would offer to do that for a total stranger on the streets of LA without an alternate agenda, so obviously, I'm suspicious. I pray that his alternate agenda is that he wants my number.

I said: "Uh, I don't know. . . um, I don't even know where to go. I live in Venice."

Not-Jai offers hesitantly: "Well . . . I can text to find a Crappy American Car (tm) dealership nearby. That's not a problem."

I hesitate now: "Uhhh..."

And then Not-Carson suddenly pipes up: "Oh! I'll go round up some lesbians to look at your car!" And off he goes.

"So, um, did you say it was like 80 bucks?" I ask.

"Which is way cheaper than springing it from the Weho impound lot when the parking people tow you for parking illegally."

And basically, from then on, I was in the hands of the gays. Way less scary than it sounds. Not-Kyan called a tow truck, which would take me to the crappy dealership Not-Jai found not too far away. Then, Not-Jai gave me the number so I called and arranged things with the service department right before they left for the day. Next, Not-Carson showed up with two lesbians who made me feel both deeply unmasculine and deeply stupid, but were exceedingly nice about it.

They found the problems-- ("Wow, your car is in pretty bad shape")-- which amounted to at least a busted alternator, and I think spark plugs that need replacement, and a fan belt that was "hanging by a thread". And I now have a whole list somewhere of specific things to go over with the mechanic so I'm less likely to be screwed over. They also showed me exactly where to find that stupid latch. And one of them was actually wearing flannel.

So, I'm sorry, but most of you people probably deserve to be called breeders. (which frankly, I think is hilarious....seriously, that's clever)

And if the absolute worst that happens to you is that someone tries to slap some sense into you for supporting legislation that turns an entire segment of the population into second-class citizens, then you're not being discriminated against. . . you're being an ignorant, close-minded jerk. The point:

Equal Rights Are For Everyone
....not just us breeders.

And the other point: If you're going to have a breakdown, pray that it happens in Weho.

TECHNORATI TAGS: , , , ,

8 Comments:

Blogger Nyssa23 said...

What a great story! Heartwarming, sassy...sounds like a treatment ready to be pitched to Bravo or A&E. Heh.

I love how that silly article made it sound like "breeder" was some kind of scary new gay slang. As a fag hag from way back, I can assure them that this is not, in fact, so.

11:36 PM

 
Blogger Nyssa23 said...

Er, it's not new, that is. Whether it is scary is, of course, up to the ear of the beholder.

11:37 PM

 
Blogger Scribe LA said...

Fabulous Atlas! Sorry to hear about your car, but... if it's good for the blog, it's good for the gander. Wait... never mind. Lived in that part of WeHo/BH for five years - don't tell people how great it is or the traffic will get even worse than it has with the Grove opening up.
Cheers.
Scribe

7:51 AM

 
Anonymous justin said...

Uh huh. That reminds me of the time my car "totally crapped out" on me in the parking lot of the Spearmint Rhino near the airport. I have NO IDEA why I was even in that area, but he strippers there were so nice to help me with my car. And when I say car, uh, I mean wallet.

10:40 AM

 
Blogger Violence Jack said...

I have found flirting with gay men to be good for my health. No, really!

I was in a gay men's chorus for a while (long story), and was invited to one of the other chorus member's apartments, along with several others, to watch some footage of the latest concert.

So the four or five of us were watching the concert, then some episodes of Manhunt. Given that our host loves to flirt with me, I wasn't surprised to find I was the last one leaving.

Through a bizarre turn of conversation, he ended up doing a neck adjustment for me that made me feel better than I had in years. Was great.

7:02 PM

 
Blogger writergurl said...

If only "some" people would realize that my desire to marry my girlfriend (well, if I wasn't currently single) has nothing to do with their relationship!

It was good of those people to help you out. Notice, I don't say "gay people" cause after all, we're just people, people!

Thanks for letting the world know that we're not monsters... or molestors.

10:45 PM

 
Blogger Sal said...

Your car sounds as unhealthy as my car. Could you maybe check out whether there's a UK branch of the "magical helpful car people" around cos I'm seriously going to need them soon. :)

3:57 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

awesome...what a great story...and testament...be an ally and a friend

4:08 PM

 

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