Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Of Health Care and Compensation

Sorry about the long absence, kids. I know you missed me- I missed you, too. And I know you need an Atlas update. So here ya go:

Still in the shadows...

I've successfully manuevered an ally and friend into position as my direct boss by begging the uber-boss to hire her back. Unfortunately, sh*t still rolls downhill. Of course, now that I'm no longer the lowest person on the totem pole, I can send sh*t downward, too.

Plus, there's this whole army of interns that shows up in the summers, too. And while I try not to abuse them it's nice having even more people that I could theoretically order around.

But it's not about me today. Today it's about a second-tier agency (at least according to Wikipedia) known as Innovative Artists.

Scott Harris, Innovative's head honcho, recently decided that in order to cut costs, he was going to cut out healthcare for ALL of the company's assistants, even the "senior" ones about to graduate to agency status.

Check out Defamer if you want the full backstory.

But basically, as ole Scotty tells it, he had two cost-cutting options: 1) Go with a crappy insurance company or 2) Cut insurance for assistants and keep everyone else with a decent insurance company.

So I guess we shouldn't be surprised which option he went with. But in the schmuckiest move I've seen since the supposedly "keeping it real" homegirl Tyra Banks broke a writer's strike, Harris made the cut RETROACTIVE. That's right, the assistants were under the impression they had healthcare in June. Ha ha, suckers.

So then Harris does this song-and-dance about how he's really cutting healthcare because he wants to pay assistants more. Dude, not even Leslie Sloane Zelnick could sell that sh*t line.

So Innovative Artists assistants, I beseech you: fight back. Because even if you don't win, you're young and you'll bounce back. What's the worst that could happen? You could get fired from a crappy job with bad pay and no benefits? Hell, at least McDonald's gives you health care if you work full-time. And they pay overtime.

And if you do win, you'll get healthcare, money, and the eternal gratefulness of the eternally-downtrodden. (ie-other assistants)

And here's how to do it: you know how you're always working overtime and never really getting paid for it?

That's actually completely illegal.

So just send a friendly email to the California Department of Industrial Relations or give 'em a call. Despite the retro name, they will get all up in the grill of companies. Remember, we live in California where the government is full of liberal, secular, Communist pinko bureaucrats...you know they'd be good for something, right?

And Scott Harris, you are a complete asshat. Good luck trying to attract Ho'wood players now that everyone knows you have no money.

So in the interests of screwing over Scott Harris and the increasingly third-tier Innovative as much as possible, here are their top clients (in order of IMDB starpower) that are just ripe for the stealing:

Channing Tatum - Already gone, according to Variety, following agent Louise Ward to William Morris.
Please take me away to CAA.
Amanda Seyfried - gets a ton of work, very much up-and-coming, a rare young starlet with acting ability.

Tina Majorino - similar to Seyfried, but has that cute-geek cachet.

Robert Iler - Sopranos is done, but if he can keep out of trouble, he could have a solid career. Plus, he's very young, so he'll be a moneymaker for years.

Eric Dane - Dr. McSteamy has never been hotter...so what's he doing at a second-tier agency?

Ian Somerhalder - Career's in a bit of funk, but an agency jump could cure that, no?

Now, I was going to name more, but frankly, their client list is already pretty thin. So come on CAA, if you're going to pounce, do it now while they're rudderless and weak.

See what you've done to me, Scott Harris? You've gotten me so mad I'm rooting for CAA.

So either Hell has frozen over, or Scott Harris is the greediest dickwad SOB on the planet.

UPDATE: Success! Innovative Artists has restored the assistants' healthcare! See! Kvetching does work!


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7 Comments:

Blogger Justin James said...

"See what you've done to me, Scott Harris? You've gotten me so mad I'm rooting for CAA."

I almost spouted coffee out of my nose when I read that line. Too funny.

7:57 AM

 
Anonymous CAA said...

Muuuuaaahahahahaahahahaaaa!


I had no idea Amanda Seyfried didn't work for us.


Let me call her to the dark side.....


Amanda, want a multimillion dollar movie role? Here, actressy, actressy.

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