On Hiring Hollywood Assistants, Flamers Edition: 6.13

Most offices go through assistants like Kleenex in Hollywood, and ours is no exception. So we're almost constantly hiring, it seems.

I told you a bit about that process previously.

Today, our office manager (let's call her Jeanette) and my friend/immediate supervisor (Sarah) interviewed this dude we'll call Richard Simmons.

Now to get right to the point, let's just say that Richard was (and is) what you might call a 'flaming.'

Look I'm obviously gay-friendly. Maybe even super-gay-friendly.

But I'm telling you, I met him for just 10 seconds and I think it's probably an objective fact: dude was REALLY gay. (hence the pseudonym, Richard Simmons)

Now I was under the impression that my co-workers were super gay-friendly. Both Sarah and Jeanette said they would "love to have a gay in the office."

But they just weren't sure about Richard Simmons.

Jeanette maintained that his voice would get annoying hour after hour, though Sarah maintained we'd sound "progressive" with his voice answering our phones.

Jeanette didn't think the Big Boss would like him. Sarah pointed out that the Big Boss, a standard-issue alpha male who needs to dominate his tribe of employees, wouldn't be threatened by him.

Jeanette just couldn't see him fitting in. Sarah, sadly, didn't have a good response.

My protestations that he should have a chance if he was the best-qualified person we could find fell on deaf ears. As my protestations generally do. After all, they said, his voice, demeanor and personality are all part of the qualifications, right?

But this guy basically didn't get hired, not because he's gay, but because he was flamingly gay.

It makes you wonder ... did the stereotype of gay men as hairdressers and interior designers happen because they're just 'naturally good' at that sort of thing? Or did that Plymouth Rock of gay jobs land on them?

I'm Proud To Be Gayer Than Most: 6.07

On this national day of coming out, I would like to announce that I am proud to be gayer than most heterosexual twentysomething males.

Because the simple fact is, gay people are awesome.

As a Hollywood assistant, I know that they are at least three to four times as awesome on average than your stereotypical straight guy.

Why? I don't know exactly.

But really, do we ask why the sky is blue?

Usually, when I get the gay implication comment, and I ask why, it's often to do with my apparently admirable haircut, clothing choices, good grooming habits, natural-looking tan (it is, btw), intelligence, manners, or even just general advice.


Look, it's Hollywood, gay is in the air.

So I'm saying, support ENDA, and support the transgenda', too. It's good for you. Because you see, the gays will do you good. They will make your life better.

And let's just let people get gay married, shall we? What's the worst that could happen? Weddings could get less tasteful, shorter, weaker, more of an object of reality television mockery?

Seriously, though, what's your beef with the gays?

If it's immorality, then let he who is without sin cast the first vote against them.

America was founded on the principle of separation of church and state. Marriage, unwisely, is integrated into the function of government, instead of being a religious institution. Because if it was solely a religious institution, it wouldn't be a problem. Some religions could recognize that God is cool with gays, and some could be haters.

But it would all be protected by the aegis of freedom of worship. As it stands, the government has gotten involved with tax breaks and adoption and immigration and inheritance privileges and all manner of civil rights.

So those civil rights have to be equal. Because if America's about one thing, it's equality under the law.

Okay, yes, even preachy, young me knows how naive that sentiment is, but hey, I can have a dream, right?

How 'bout this? It SHOULD be equality under the law.

TECHNORATI TAGS: Hollywood, coming out, gay,civil rights, government, reform, discrimination, young people, justice

Of Health Care and Compensation

Sorry about the long absence, kids. I know you missed me- I missed you, too. And I know you need an Atlas update. So here ya go:

Still in the shadows...

I've successfully manuevered an ally and friend into position as my direct boss by begging the uber-boss to hire her back. Unfortunately, sh*t still rolls downhill. Of course, now that I'm no longer the lowest person on the totem pole, I can send sh*t downward, too.

Plus, there's this whole army of interns that shows up in the summers, too. And while I try not to abuse them it's nice having even more people that I could theoretically order around.

But it's not about me today. Today it's about a second-tier agency (at least according to Wikipedia) known as Innovative Artists.

Scott Harris, Innovative's head honcho, recently decided that in order to cut costs, he was going to cut out healthcare for ALL of the company's assistants, even the "senior" ones about to graduate to agency status.

Check out Defamer if you want the full backstory.

But basically, as ole Scotty tells it, he had two cost-cutting options: 1) Go with a crappy insurance company or 2) Cut insurance for assistants and keep everyone else with a decent insurance company.

So I guess we shouldn't be surprised which option he went with. But in the schmuckiest move I've seen since the supposedly "keeping it real" homegirl Tyra Banks broke a writer's strike, Harris made the cut RETROACTIVE. That's right, the assistants were under the impression they had healthcare in June. Ha ha, suckers.

So then Harris does this song-and-dance about how he's really cutting healthcare because he wants to pay assistants more. Dude, not even Leslie Sloane Zelnick could sell that sh*t line.

So Innovative Artists assistants, I beseech you: fight back. Because even if you don't win, you're young and you'll bounce back. What's the worst that could happen? You could get fired from a crappy job with bad pay and no benefits? Hell, at least McDonald's gives you health care if you work full-time. And they pay overtime.

And if you do win, you'll get healthcare, money, and the eternal gratefulness of the eternally-downtrodden. (ie-other assistants)

And here's how to do it: you know how you're always working overtime and never really getting paid for it?

That's actually completely illegal.

So just send a friendly email to the California Department of Industrial Relations or give 'em a call. Despite the retro name, they will get all up in the grill of companies. Remember, we live in California where the government is full of liberal, secular, Communist pinko bureaucrats...you know they'd be good for something, right?

And Scott Harris, you are a complete asshat. Good luck trying to attract Ho'wood players now that everyone knows you have no money.

So in the interests of screwing over Scott Harris and the increasingly third-tier Innovative as much as possible, here are their top clients (in order of IMDB starpower) that are just ripe for the stealing:

Channing Tatum - Already gone, according to Variety, following agent Louise Ward to William Morris.
Please take me away to CAA.
Amanda Seyfried - gets a ton of work, very much up-and-coming, a rare young starlet with acting ability.

Tina Majorino - similar to Seyfried, but has that cute-geek cachet.

Robert Iler - Sopranos is done, but if he can keep out of trouble, he could have a solid career. Plus, he's very young, so he'll be a moneymaker for years.

Eric Dane - Dr. McSteamy has never been hotter...so what's he doing at a second-tier agency?

Ian Somerhalder - Career's in a bit of funk, but an agency jump could cure that, no?

Now, I was going to name more, but frankly, their client list is already pretty thin. So come on CAA, if you're going to pounce, do it now while they're rudderless and weak.

See what you've done to me, Scott Harris? You've gotten me so mad I'm rooting for CAA.

So either Hell has frozen over, or Scott Harris is the greediest dickwad SOB on the planet.

UPDATE: Success! Innovative Artists has restored the assistants' healthcare! See! Kvetching does work!


TECHNORATI TAGS: health care, scott harris, innovative artists, strike, CAA, Amanda Seyfried, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, assistants, Hollywood

Your Bosses Lie to Everyone Else, Why Would They Tell You the Truth?

I did something very foolish recently.

I believed what my bosses told me.

I forgot that these are people whose jobs are essentially to massage the truth into an "acceptable" reality. And by "acceptable" I mean "warped beyond all recognition."

And yet, when you work with people, a level of trust almost always necessarily grows between you, so it's easy to be sucked into that pit of gullibility.

Trust me, don't let it happen to you.

One reason I'd been posting less is that I'd felt lately like less of an assistant, and thus, have less assistant-y beef and angst.

But with this latest twist on the winding road of my career, I certainly feel like one again. Oh sure, I've still got the nice title to fall back on (that I had to fight for, fyi). But as for a distinct pay rise and increase in responsibility and authority, I've been stymied again, despite very concrete assurances to the contrary.

I wish I could go into what happened a bit further, but I'm in too deep to blow my cover now.
Just like Sidney.

Oh, and of course, now it turns out that regardless of whether or not I got her fired, Nancy, my immediate superior, is truly "leaving."

So I will continue my agonizing rise up the ladder.

Don't remember Nancy? I wish I didn't either. Click the above link to find out more about her and slow motion promotions. Like the one I'm apparently still having.

TECHNORATI TAGS: Hollywood, assistants, career, employment, business