On Hiring Hollywood Assistants, Flamers Edition: 6.13

Most offices go through assistants like Kleenex in Hollywood, and ours is no exception. So we're almost constantly hiring, it seems.

I told you a bit about that process previously.

Today, our office manager (let's call her Jeanette) and my friend/immediate supervisor (Sarah) interviewed this dude we'll call Richard Simmons.

Now to get right to the point, let's just say that Richard was (and is) what you might call a 'flaming.'

Look I'm obviously gay-friendly. Maybe even super-gay-friendly.

But I'm telling you, I met him for just 10 seconds and I think it's probably an objective fact: dude was REALLY gay. (hence the pseudonym, Richard Simmons)

Now I was under the impression that my co-workers were super gay-friendly. Both Sarah and Jeanette said they would "love to have a gay in the office."

But they just weren't sure about Richard Simmons.

Jeanette maintained that his voice would get annoying hour after hour, though Sarah maintained we'd sound "progressive" with his voice answering our phones.

Jeanette didn't think the Big Boss would like him. Sarah pointed out that the Big Boss, a standard-issue alpha male who needs to dominate his tribe of employees, wouldn't be threatened by him.

Jeanette just couldn't see him fitting in. Sarah, sadly, didn't have a good response.

My protestations that he should have a chance if he was the best-qualified person we could find fell on deaf ears. As my protestations generally do. After all, they said, his voice, demeanor and personality are all part of the qualifications, right?

But this guy basically didn't get hired, not because he's gay, but because he was flamingly gay.

It makes you wonder ... did the stereotype of gay men as hairdressers and interior designers happen because they're just 'naturally good' at that sort of thing? Or did that Plymouth Rock of gay jobs land on them?

The Dumb Reasons Why You Aren't Getting Hired: 6.11

Recently, we've had to hire a few new people for our growing office, a couple of assistant types, basically. The jobs ain't tough--just your standard coffee-bringer-photocopying-call-rolling jobs--and thanks to the crappy economy and the lure of Hollywood, there were a lot of applicants.

So I was enlisted to try and go through the stacks of resumes, help out with some phone pre-interviews, and offer second opinions. And that's how I got involved in the ethical and moral quandaries of being an employer.

If you've been trying to get a job lately, you might be surprised at some of the crazy reasons that cause resumes to be tossed...

"The girl I just talked to seemed really nice, but..."
"But...?"
"I think she was probably too nice to work here. We need a borderline biatch."

One young woman, in passing, expressed a moral distaste for a college professor sleeping with a student: "She just seems too ethical to work here."

One young man was rejected after a brief phone pre-interview because he had a 'weird' voice. "It wasn't like an accent, it was more like, you sound lame."

Another rejection:
"The Big Boss wouldn't like her."
"Why?"
"She seems like the type of person to stand up for herself."
"Oh yeah, that would be bad."

One applicant was overqualified: "Ugh, that biyatch would get in here and try to steal my job."

Another seemed underqualified: "Who the hell puts their goddam elementary school on their resume?" "Um...a 14-year-old?"

Another outright rejection: "He has tattoos."
"So?"
"Do you think a guy with tattoos would get along with the Big Boss?"
"Ugh, fine, point taken."

"Toss this in the circular file--this girl's from Florida."
"So?"
"Sorry, maybe you didn't hear me-- she's from Florida. You know, America's stanky armpit? The only thing out of Florida I would touch with a ten-foot pole is an orange."

"Ha! Look at this--a Fox News intern!" [general merriment as the resume is set on fire and the ashes scattered]

"That guy I just talked to is rejected-- he's obviously a stoner."
"Yeah, that would not be good."
"Whatever, I just don't want someone who's obvious."

"Reject!"
"Why?"
"I just Googled him, he's totally fat."
"You can't not interview someone because they're fat--that's discriminatory."
"Whatever, he's obviously been discriminating against exercise and vegetables for years."

Of course, being pretty isn't enough either. "Ugh, God, look the picture this biatch has on Facebook, Atlas."
"Huh...she has really nice eyes."
"Nice eyes? That's what guys say when they're mesmerized by breasts. I'm not becoming the ugly girl in the office."

So what does this prove? Admittedly, not much.

Just that, once again, working in Hollywood is a complete and total crapshoot that is almost totally unrelated to competence, talent, or intelligence. But you already knew that, right?