Dear China, You Suck At PR: 3.50

Dear China,

Yeah, that's right, people of the People's Republic of China- mainland version- I'm talking to you. I know you're all Communist and stuff, but come on, it's PR. If you can launch satellites, you should be able to write a friggin' press release. Now, I know that pulling off Lohan-level spin requires a certain finesse, and that can only come with lots of experience, but basic spin is for everyone!

I can't be the only person out there in Ho'wood who realizes you suck at PR. Perhaps there aren't a ton of global-dialing young executives/assistants out there, but sweet Jesus, believe me that China sucks. It's impossible to find anyone who's even vaguely useful in any way on the phone, and emails get bounced-- always. Okay, yeah, so you're a dictatorship, but so is like every country we're friends with in the Middle East. . . well, except Israel. But I'm not writing an open letter to Dubai, am I? You've never seen me complain about Dubai, have you?

<--Dubai is sweet.

Dubai, part of the United Arab Emirates, is kinda dictatorial, maybe not quite as bad as China, but have you ever tried to obtain information from Dubai? Find someone who has excellent English skills? Schedule a meeting? (by the way, yes, they are pretty much on the exact opposite time zone from us here in LA) Or yes, get a press release. As Alison Janney says in Drop Dead Gorgeous, "Easy as pie."

But that's not the point, is it? The point is, democracies may inherently be better at PR than dictatorships, but China sucks. Actually, if you think about it, Hollywood actually should be one of the most anti-China industries-- and they kinda are. About piracy. The movie barons are curiously mum about censorship-- not that it'd probably do any good, but we could still do better than Richard Gere. You know, as an industry. Fortunately for China, we're bigger fans of money than principle here in Ho'wood. If you doubt China needs PR help, read this article.

Now shape up, Communists! You don't want the Chinese taking over the go-to-bad-guy role in movies do you? Because you're thisclose. Oh, that and you're apparently not far from having some Congressional whupass potentially busted. Oh China, you think there's nothing they can do to a big-boy country like you, but they can legislate up a big pain in your butt, enema-style, biyotches.

So take my advice because Congressional enemas are not pleasant. Learn to navigate the choppy waters of public opinion now, or face capsizing in a storm.

Respectfully,
Assistant/Atlas

PS: Let the guessing at my occupation begin anew. I love it when you guys do that. . . in that sort of rollercoaster-oh-God-oh-God-what-if-someone-actually-gets-it way.