Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Monday, August 07, 2006

The World Does Not Revolve Around Your Children: 5.20

Sorry for the unannounced week-long vacation, kids. Here's a long-ish post I took the time to craft to thank you for coming back.

As you may know, I've been doing some jetsetting recently. And just the other day, while waiting in a security line at LAX...wait. I know how to tell it better...


A modest line loops around a polyester cord, perhaps seventy souls waiting to remove their shoes and walk through a pair of metal detectors before a fleet of TSA SECURITY OFFICERS.

The following takes place between 5:00pm and 6:00pm.

ASSISTANT/ATLAS, played by the ever faithful/faithless Chad Michael Murray, itches to board his United flight, now very close now to removing his shoes. A SOLO WOMAN, early 30s, mixed race: Latin/Asian?, played by Rosario Dawson, is removing her shoes and placing her items in bins. SECURITY SCREENER #1, mid 20s, African-American, played by Kobe Bryant, waves a businessguy through the metal detector and he passes.

Special Guest Star: Kobe Bryant

Is this the line?!?

Atlas swivels as all attention turns to THE MOM, a haggard late 30s, who has a stroller, a babyseat, and at least TWO CHILDREN OF THE CORN. No husband type in sight.

Excuse me, I have a six o'clock flight, may I cut in line?

Everyone freezes. Atlas, Solo Woman, the entire line and even the security screeners. What's freezing everyone is two things: the fact that The Mom isn't begging, she's practically commanding, and an acute moral/existential dilemma.

The Mom addresses the Solo Woman directly.

Please may I cut in line!

She's insistent, and projecting 'harried Mom' to all corners of the earth. The Solo Woman mumbles something, looks away, and starts taking off her shoes. The Mom is shocked. Atlas is shocked. The Solo Woman is studiously avoiding any eye contact. The Mom then addresses Security Screener #1.

Please I have children!

Oh, she's done it. She's playing that Mom card for all it's worth.

Ma'am, you can wait in line like everyone else, I promise you'll be in time for your flight.

That bold, effing Security Screener motions the Solo Woman through the metal detector and The Mom is still outside the polyester line.

THE MOM: (screeching)

Atlas GULPS. He is the next one who is supposed to take off his shoes. The Mom turns on him.

Do you mind if I cut in line?

Atlas' world swims. He gazes back at the neat arrangement of American citizens waiting patiently for their screening. Looking at him. Waiting for him. Atlas totters as he turns back to The Mom.

I, uh-

Is all he can eke out. Atlas looks, pained, in the direction of the line, then pleadingly at furiously imbalanced The Mom, hoping she'll take note of the moral/existential dilemma.

Look, I have two children!

Atlas, struck mute, motions toward Security Screener #1, trying to summon the authority of Transportation Security Administration- Kobe's words. The Mom persists in huffing in Atlas' general direction.


Atlas begins removing his shoes. The Mom launches into a production. She SIGHS, adjusts her baby, shakes the stroller threatening, like a rattlesnake, and prepares

HHHUHHHHH! Sir, do you mind if I cut in line?

The Mom is now asking the GUY BEHIND ME, mid 30s, played by an arrogant-acting John C. Reilly, who almost immediately says...

Yeah, sure, I don't mind.

Atlas can't give John C. Reilly an evil look because he's tossing his shoes into a gray bin and rolling his belongings toward the X-ray machine. The Mom begins pulling all of her possessions under the polyester barrier. Atlas pushes his toward the machine and looks to Kobe for the wave-through. But Kobe is engrossed in Mom pulling herself under the barrier, shaking his head slightly and looking down.

Finally, he notices Atlas and waves him through. The metal detector does not beep as Atlas slides through. TSA Kobe regards Atlas.

Hey- sorry about that, man.

Kobe does look sorry for Atlas, but somewhat bemused by the situation. It-- the bemusement-- wears off on Atlas, will take note that Kobe makes The Mom send the babyseat through the X-ray machine.

Um, it's okay.

But it really wasn't.


Moms with kids taking priority? On the Titanic, yes. Because you're late for your flight? Join the club. And there will be another plane going to where you're going. Promise.

By the way, I managed to wing my way home for a visit with the fam. Everyone's fine, thanks for asking. But here's what my Dad said about the whole matter: "Well, I would of said, 'Don't ask me, you've got to ask every person in that line'. (gesturing toward imaginary line)."



Blogger Nyssa23 said...

Your dad's absolutely right!

See, this is why everybody hates people with children. A few arrogant bitches/bastards spoil it for everybody else. I have two kids, and guess what? If I have to be somewhere at a certain time, I leave early. What a concept.

P.S. Way to take a stand, Airport Kobe.

8:40 AM

Blogger D. B. Holden said...

This is why I love movies. Because in movies, this woman gets eaten by a snake in the first ten pages.

3:08 PM

Anonymous tiffany said...

Mom should take note that tone of voice is more important than what you say.

3:24 PM

Anonymous smartass said...

your dad is a genius!

i'm sick of breeders and their self-appointed sense of superiority over the rest of us.

7:08 PM

Blogger Robert Hogan said...

What’s sad is this mom’s over bloated sense of entitlement is going to be passed down to her little brats who will probably end being a drain on the already overtaxed welfare system…or worse they will end up as President.

7:13 AM

Anonymous lynnzgal said...

Haha! Your dad is awesome!

8:12 PM

Blogger The Gambino Crime Family said...

Such BS. They don't allow planes to take off with unaccompanied suitcases so little miss entitlement had at least 45 minutes worth of extra grace time.

6:59 AM

Blogger queen of wt said...

Atlas, you have just described one of the most evil humans on the planet...the MUFFIA. I am scared that you had a muffia encounter so early in your life. Usually these women don't start haunting your life until you have kids. I LIVE IN A VILLAGE OF WOMEN LIKE THAT. Seriously, you can see what drove me to create a store like White Trash Palace. I hope she missed her plane anyway.

7:28 PM

Anonymous electric_bonzai said...

Nice how the fact that she "has children" makes it so much more important that SHE make it to her flight on time than that other people do.

Entitlement minded b-tch.

5:24 PM

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