Clawing to escape the belly of the beast here in Hollywood. To commiserate, email my name assistantatlas at yahoo.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Unsolicited Career Advice: Brangelina's "Atlas Shrugged": 4.45

It was fun giving Unsolicited Career Advice, so I think I'll do it again for today.

Variety reports that America's Hottest Couple is interested in bringing Ayn Rand's novel Atlas Shrugged to the big screen.

It looks like someone in the Brangelina camp is wearing bad idea jeans. While I appreciate anything that might bring more notoriety to my online persona, I just can't support turning Rand's 1000+ page novel into a movie. Why?

Because it would be a friggin' boringass movie.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith was popular because Brangelina was shown having sex, shooting guns, and fighting. But what if Brad Pitt had been an architect instead of an assassin (yeah, he might like that- would you?)? And what if they spent 80% of the movie pontificating on boring, if releveant, philosophical issues?

Would you go see that in a theatre? I didn't think so.

Brad models his bad idea jeans in the Himalayan Times.

Sorry, Brangelina, but Atlas Shrugged is a bad idea. As craptastic as it is likely to be, at least Ocean's Thirteen is pretty much a guaranteed hit.


Tuesday, April 25, 2006

SPECIAL: Open Source Media Slogans!

Since I've discovered that everyone finds my ruminations on New Media boring (at least judging by the lack of comments) that I think what the situation calls for is a little of the ole showbiz razzamadazzle, that It factor, that good PR glow.

So obviously this calls for slogans. And since they're open source slogans, it's only fair that everyone feel free to use them as they like. Enjoy.

Open Source: Because Everyone Is Smarter Than You

Attention Development Execs: With Open Source, Stealing Everyone Else's Ideas Is Not Only Legal, But Encouraged!

And here's a potential mascot. Because everyone knows things are more acceptable when they're represented by really cute animals. And who doesn't like penguins? Not Hollywood, that's for sure. Well, Warner Brothers, anyway. Moving on...

Open Source: Because It's Too Hard Not To Plagiarize

New Video Camera from Best Buy: $500
Snazzy new Apple with video editing software: $3000
Look on Les Moonves' face when you destroy his business model: Priceless

Open Source Media: You Are Your Media.
Open Source: You Are Your Media Diet.

Think Movies Suck? Do Something About It.

And finally, for all you assistants out there...

Open Source Eats CAA's Babies

Everyone, feel free to contribute your own...that's what comments are for.


Monday, April 24, 2006

Open Source Films Open Wide: 4.44

I've hinted at it before, but now I'm going to start sharing some ideas about a new sort of effort in collaborative filmmaking: the open source film.

First off, though, let me say this. While I may be proposing a new iteration of the open source idea-- this isn't all THAT new. Just google 'open source film' for an idea of what's out there. Plus, we all know/love YouTube.

What hasn't been done is communities using the internet to produce their own media products. If we Hollywood assistants didn't already have control of most outlets, we'd be doing it already. Just like those crazy Midwestern college kids are doing with their viral videos and such.

Just think about the possibilities. The Kurdish kids could get together to create their own Kurdish superhero movies. The Estonian ministry of culture could show off their country's newfound tech prowess with a web-based short film contest. And the American supergeeks can create ever-more-sophisticated mash-ups. The big questions are: what communities, in what ways, and how soon?

It's easy: Hosting video clips is cheap, if not free, thanks to the influence of YouTube. People can already create mash-ups with home computers if they're savvy enough. And it's only going to get easier. Broadband Internet access and computers that can handle sophisticated graphics are spreading like wildfire. And despite what everyone feels, according to The Economist, Americans are finally starting to increase their leisure time against the massive corporate structure. Which means more time for uselessly fun projects.

Now remember kids, in any good open source project, there have to be some systems of control. But not like bad control, more like guidance. Therefore, I'm thinking you have to "apply" to make the team. Once you're approved, you can contribute however you like. For example, any approved writers can edit the script through Celtx. That should happen as other preproduction tasks do, like casting people finding great actors, producers trying to drum up a budget (don't ask me about this one, I ain't a producer, and I'm also adamantly NOT in charge)

For another example, anyone can send in filmed scenes, but it's up to the director crew to pick out the best ones that the editor crew will cut together.

I envision that once a group was established a short film could be cut together and distributed free. If people like it, encourage them to donate so more of it can be produced. For example, the short film could be 3 disparate stories and the second part that would be donation-driven ties them all together. So support is also open-source.

Make a good short and people might slide enough cash your way (or ads, don't forget ads- in fact, that may be the easiest way) to produce more. That's how a tv show could launch over the Net, by the way.

So let me just add this: yippee-ki-yi-yay, Mister Falcon no more.


Friday, April 21, 2006

The Gay Valet Report: 4.43

Friday's always a nice day for a bit of celebrity gossip, isn't it? A friend of mine, whom I've dubbed the Gay Valet, recently worked a party attended by a handful of celebs. Here's what he had to report.

...Let's start with gay icon Debra Messing. First of all, she's still driving the Porsche Boxster that she got from the first season of Will & Grace. (yeah, they gave 'em all Boxsters when the show was popular) She looked okay-- a ton of make-up-- and was reasonably pleasant. However, biyotch didn't tip. Therefore, she has been downgraded to 'notable gay-friendly personage' in my estimation.

Next up is Angie Harmon. Girl looks good, if a little plain. If she'd taken maybe a fourth of Debra's make-up, she would've looked ravishing. However, IMDB says she spoke at the Republican National Convention, with football husband Jason Sehorn. So screw her- I didn't like her anyway. And who the hell watches Law & Order anymore? Although, in fairness, I heard she tipped decently, which is very un-Republican of her.

I saved the best for last: Mia Maestro. I remembered her from "Alias", but Atlas says she's been in a ton of good Spanish movies, too. She drove this cute little Mini-Cooper-type car I'd never seen before. When I asked her about, she responded good-naturedly, 'Oh you like it? I do, too- isn't it sporty?'. Like she was really excited about the fact she had a sporty little car. Let me just say: CUTE. She also asked if I knew how to drive a stickshift, which was sweet. (although, everyone, please take note: all valets can drive sticks, it's like the one requirement to be a valet)

Also, she looked friggin' amazing. I thought she was pretty on "Alias", but day-um, girl got it goin' on. And when Ms. Maestro emerged from the party, she was smiling and pleasant and remembered me from before. And when I brought her car up, she tipped me a ten-spot, thanked me like I was an actual human being, and flashed a smile.

Oh, Mia Maestro-- you had me at 'sporty'.

Mia Maestro: proving that foreign-born celebrities are better than American ones.

Just a quick tipping guide for celebrities and notable rich people:
no tip says: "I am a ginormous a--hole."
$1-2 says: "I'm a huge cheapskate."
$5 tip says: "Thank you for your services. I appreciate them."
$10 tip says: "You're awesome. And I'm awesome."
$20 tip says: "I'm trying hard to impress you-- or my date-- but hey, I just gave you $20 bucks to park my car, so obviously you can't complain."

And this concludes the first report by the Gay Valet.


Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Best Movies for 4/20

On this darkest of days (Hitler's b-day, Columbine, etc.) let us celebrate the eternal good that's been brought to you by a very special little creation of God's-- marijuana. Oh, sweet marijuana, how you've helped me get through some difficult days. It's only right that you get one day dedicated to the smoking of you!

Now, for everyone's festivities today, may I suggest the following movies for watching while enjoying this glorious day.

Up In Smoke: Now who says I don't appreciate the classics?

Primer: Don't worry, you won't get it when you're sober, either. But it's way cooler when you're high.

The Wizard of Oz w/Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon: Start Dark Side of the Moon on the opening credit lion's third roar and they'll sync up-- if you're stoned and really want them to.

Dazed & Confused: Watch for hidden pot smoking: Jason London's belt buckle has a pipe in it. Plus, how awesome is Matthew McConaughey in this movie? Wicked awesome.

Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas: For some reason, critics didn't like this movie. Either they'd never read Hunter S. Thompson's book, or they weren't high enough? This movie is one of the reasons Johnny Depp was created.

Feel free to comment on your own favorite four-twenty-esque films.

Oh...and get really, really high.


Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Everyone Needs a Chloe: 4.42

As my longtime readers know, corporate idiocy is a favorite subject of mine. I daresay it's a big part of my raison d'etre.
Corporate idiocy hurt the WB.
It hurts GE.
It's hurting the Travel Channel.
It may hurt Nickelodeon.

As you can see just from the four named above, corporate idiocy comes in many forms. Sometimes, it's subtle, like dress codes and inflexible work hours. Sometimes, it's obvious, like fudged-up decisions and a misguided strategy. But sometimes, if you're really unlucky (like I seem to be), it's sheer lunacy.

Allow me to elaborate. You see, in my time as the Internet's Hollywood assistant blogebrity, I've learned a thing or two about the Internet. And I know when it's being under-utilized. And that's pretty much right now. But in my little corner of the business, our online strategy is decidedly lacking. In fact, it's hemorrhaging money and resources and attracting far fewer eyeballs than it should.

I can't get into the exact politics of it, obviously, because that could get my lilywhitea$$ exposed. And right now, that's not the plan. Not that I have a plan, per se, but I'm pretty sure that would be bad.

Anyway, it got me thinking...what should every New Media-savvy company have? I think I've discovered the answer.

Everyone needs a Chloe.

Seriously, spring for someone on staff who knows everything about everything technology. They can be young and cheap, but they've still got to be brilliant-- they'll cost about two or three times as much as a regular, horrendously underpaid employee. But trust me, they'll be worth it.

Now, this is totally ineffective if the Chloe doesn't have effective control of the websites and company technology. But if she does, having your techie right in the office means your New Media company can move fast-- very fast. And the need for speed is undeniable in the lightning-fast InfoAge.

Of course, bosses, you'll need an Atlas or two around to write stuff, help out, maybe direct them, but seriously, that's who you need. I'm solved your problems, executives. BAM!

I guess the real problem is I can't exactly pull a Sloane-style smackdown on the Big Boss and be all, "Yo, I'm Assistant/Atlas, so let me run your entire New Media strategy."

Or I could, I guess. But I think it totally wouldn't work. Corporations suck.


Monday, April 17, 2006

De-Mystifying the UTA Job List: 4.41

A little while back,I mentioned the UTA joblist and many of you were kind enough to send me a copy. The latest ones I duly sent on to the very grateful fledgling assistants. (one even said I was God, as if my ego needs to get bigger...point is, they were grateful, so thanks)

So I was doing some research (read: about 5 minutes of lazy Googling) into the history of the UTA list and reading many of the emails accompanying the list-- many of which were reviews of its effectiveness. Some were quite critical, while others seem convinced of its usefulness.

First off, though, let's destroy the mythology of the list. I mean hey, I like mysteries and all, but when it comes to my career, I don't need any more friggin' mystery. Or drama. Or struggle. Although I doubt I can avoid those last two.

Anyhoo, the UTA list was created about a decade ago, essentially a few years after the Internet got going (remember, kids, it was only in about 1994 that Al Gore invented the Internet). A UTA assistant started the list with the blessing of higher-ups, who are generally okay with their assistants getting promoted after they've abused them for awhile, because it usually expands the reach of the bosses' tentacles. UTA assistants still compile it today.

Now, on to the debate over the list's effectiveness. Here's a good example of the thoughts of the list's detractors:
Hello Atlas,
I'd like to share with you my thoughts on the UTA job list. It has never gotten me -- or anyone I know a job.

I have sent COUNTLESS resumes to it over the years of struggling to get somewhere, anywhere that would let me move up and eventually out of the assistant seat. I have even used it to get resumes for my replacements over the years, but I never ended up hiring from it because the good candidates I called were already working and the poor candidates were not up to snuff. I have gotten a total of 2 calls from those resumes. One person told me I was "overqualified", the other person told me that he called me because I "looked good on paper" and would I be willing to take a meeting to see if I looked as good "in person".

I'd love to know the origins of the list as well, if only to impress my drinking buddies. IMHO it's pretty much a useless waste of time.
Cheers and keep on keepin' on,
"Assistant Woman X"

I would like to personally back up Assistant Woman X's testimony. I applied for perhaps 20 jobs from the UTA job list and was called for exactly one. And that call was a courtesy call telling me the job had been filled.

So I know what she's talkin' about. On the other hand, John August is the most luminary of the luminaries who've spoken on the subject. And he considers the UTA list to be "the classic resource."

But here's why I'm inclined to agree with Assistant Woman X. The UTA assistants siphon off the best jobs for themselves before putting the list out. This ensures that the only jobs on the list are the crappier ones that probably won't lead to your dream Hollywood career.

Fortunately for everyone who remains a supporter of the list, USC's School of Cinema & Television regularly posts the list when it's updated. You can find the latest one online here. But if you're interested in the list, keep checking back in on the News Releases section here and I'm sure you'll get it shortly after everyone else does.

For more on the list, Variety has a nice, accessible article about it. So for further info, click here to go read it.

UPDATE: I received a flurry of emails on the subject and will be doing a follow-up on the UTA list in the near future. Stay tuned.


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

My All-Time Favorite Chloe Sevigny Story: 4.40

This is Chloe Sevigny. You may know her for such previous affronts to cinema as "The Brown Bunny" and "Shattered Gay" (not a typo-feeling mean today).

Recently, she's managed not to totally ruin the new HBO series "Big Love". In fact, she's not terrible because she plays a quiet raging stupidface character. . . so it's believable. Also, any series that can effectively use Tina Majorino, Amanda "Lily Kane" Seyfried, Mary Kay Place, Grace Zabriskie, and Bill Paxton's junk is all right in my book.

And Ginnifer Goodwin is just plain delightful. She's a keeper, Topher. Moving on...

This Chloe Sevigny story is brought to you by my friend Crazy Kate (who is mildly crazy but not named Kate). Now, Crazy Kate is an eerily fast-rising fashion designer who happens to be younger than me and very in tune with LA's bourgeoning "underground" (air quotes, sigh, roll eyes at inanity of that expression, move on) fashion scene.

Anyway, Crazy Kate had some of her clothes in a fashion show/party/store/launch thingie...and perhaps I should try to relate the story as I heard it.

Now, thanks to Crazy Kate, my favorite Chloe Sevigny story of all time...

CRAZY KATE: So it was at the warehouse, right, and there are all these celebrities and random LA people. But I'm kinda not into that, so I started drinking. And I pounded like 8 beers in an hour. And then there were these girls who were like "Smoke with us!" and I was like whatever and it turns out it was hash. The point is, I'm really f***** up. So I see Chloe Sevigny kind of over in the corner so I go over and start talking to her about all this random fashion stuff and about labor conditions and waste and recycling stuff...

[ed. note: that's 100% in character for Kate]

CRAZY KATE: And then apparently I kind of run out of gas and I sigh and say something like, "Yeah, so I'm a little over the revolution."

CHLOE SEVIGNY: Yeah, I'm so OVER the revolution.

CRAZY KATE: And then I'm like: "Aren't you from Connecticut or something and have rich parents? Yeah--I bet you're over the revolution."

ATLAS: (interrupting) DUDE! Did you actually say that to Chloe Sevigny?

CRAZY KATE: Apparently. I only sort of remember. Other people told me I did.

ATLAS: That's awesome!

CRAZY KATE: Wanna know the best part, though?

ATLAS: Can it get any better?

CRAZY KATE: Um, she bought a dress off one of my racks.

ATLAS: Holy crap- did she know she was buying your dress?

CRAZY KATE: I don't think so. I didn't sell it to her, my partner did. And after that happened, it wasn't like she was gonna volunteer that information.

ATLAS: I love you.

CRAZY KATE: Join the club.


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Unsolicited Career Advice: Chad Michael Murray: 4.39

Look, I've been thinking. Chad, buddy, I may have been a little harsh. It was probably the combination of cold medicine and alcohol. I know you know how that goes, Chad.

Anyway, it's completely unrealistic to think you're going to be able to keep it in your pants for twenty years, playing hide the salami with only one chick for the rest of your days.

So what to do? Dump the pregnant teen and you're an irredeemable total schmuck. But cheat on the pregnant teen and you're even worse.

So here's the commitment you've got to make. You've got to try and be the best Dad ever. There's an entire life that depends on it.

But marriage to Kenzie Dalton? That doesn't for a second sound like something that would last a lifetime...especially considering the circumstances.

Unless it does to you, Chad, you've got two options:

1) Wait until a few months after the baby is born then break off the engagement.
2) Actually marry her and try to make it last at least a few years to avoid a serial marry-er reputation.

Now, here's how to have the career you want. One Tree Hill is probably going to be picked up for a fourth season on the new CW. Stick with it until syndication, Chad- that means this season and at least into the next. They can write you and Sophia out of the same scenes to make things easier. All you've got to do is make it work until Lucas Scott dies in a blaze of glory sometime around episode 100.

Then you'll have nice residuals to support your young baby mama while you alternate quirky, credibility-building indie roles and lucrative romcoms. And if you can snag a good superhero role, well, then, by all means take it.

In the meantime, keep a low profile, stay out of Page Six, and for your own sake, use a friggin' condom, you idiot.

Bottom line: You messed up. You pay for it now. Or you pay for it later.

Also, if this Blind Item really did refer to you, I am so friggin' disappointed.

Dude, you're a celebrity. Beat off.

UPDATE: Or, just have Kenzie get an abortion so both of you can further your careers. If I get confirmation this true, consider yourself dropped, Murray.

TECHNORATI TAGS: , , , , , ,

Monday, April 10, 2006

Shaking Some Sense Into Chad Michael Murray: 4.38

Once upon a time, there was a young blogger who needed an avatar, and since there were surprisingly few famous people his age who seemed to look like him, went with a small-time movie and big-time WB star. Figuring they both toiled in relatively thankless parts of their respective worlds (assistant-dom and the WB), the young blogger thought it a decent fit. And when his readers seemed to approve, the young actor became the public face of the young blogger, to illustrate his exploits. (well that, and pretty pictures attract readers better than blocky text)

But then this young actor, drunk with celebrity and money, began to behave very badly. So badly, in fact, that even his anonymous bloggy doppelganger began to worry about his association with him.

But briefly, let's review my avatar's recent past:
Ill-advised marriage between two One Tree Hill stars. Whatever. Happens to every celebrity.

A few months later, it was reported that Sophia Bush dropped the F-bomb on one Chad Michael Murray. But it's "Fraud", not the four-letter one, so don't get all excited. Besides, we all knew it would happen.

As you'll remember, they split up while Famke and I were going strong. Life's a biyotch, ain't it?

So awhile later, after that vapid c**t cheated on me with a retarded version of Billy Zane (days bitter: 62 and counting), in a meta twist, Sophia rebounded with my college friend/celebrity acquaintance. Good on her, I said. Way to not Jen-out.

And then, People reported and Perez Hilton filled in the gaps, that you were going to marry an 18-year-old extra-- whom you got pregnant.

And just this weekend, Saturday Night Live even made a mockery of the situation, with "Chad Michael Murray" displaying a ring-filled hand for each 'one of the ones, man'.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised to see this picture happen in real life. For example, he becomes a crazy sexaholic and starts waylaying women into having roadside trysts with him and his shiny lack of chest hair. What. . . it could happen.

Look, Chad, I know that, like me, you're 24 years old. Part of being young is screwing up. Most of what you've done, marrying and divorcing Sophia and behaving douchily, is that. Yeah, it doesn't reflect well on you, but it doesn't hurt anyone (except maybe the ex-Mrs. Michael Murray).

But I'm not letting you off the hook for getting a young girl pregnant. That's something you're going to spend at least the next 19 years making up for.

I'm not joking around, Murray. I mean it. You did the right thing by not having an abortion. Abortions are for actors who don't make $250,000 per episode.

But that's the only good decision you've made lately. Sure, offering to marry the girl you knocked up is chivalrous in a 1950s kind of way, but the real hard work is going to come 2, 3, 10 and 20 years down the line. That's when you'll be bored with your wife, and you'll want to cheat, but if you've grown up at all, you won't. Because you know it will greatly damage your family.

And right now, this potential family is the only thing that's keeping me from switching my avatar to Seann William Scott, who I'm sure would like constant, free publicity in front of dozens (if not hundreds) of the people who will be making the big casting decisions a few years down the line. And also, the people who make casting decisions today-- they're watching, too.

So shape up, Murray, and consider yourself warned.

And no, I'm not going to be quiet about it. Dude-- everyone knows already, and you live your life in the public eye anyway, so the only way to get better press is to earn it.

And you can start by being a good father.


Friday, April 07, 2006


I just wanted to clarify something for you, dear readers.

It's my blog's birthday, not my actual birthday.

Also, I am so friggin' phlegm-y and sick, that I can barely stand up.

But did I work 60 hours this week? You bet I did. Why?

Because I'm a chipper, cheery, totally-fulfilled Hollywood happyperson!

And because I am a twenty-something slave.

Also, I will try to shake some sense into Chad Michael Murray just as soon as I get around to it. If I'm gonna shake him properly, that takes a little effort, ya know? Soon, kids, soon...

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Happy Birthday To Me

What a long, strange trip it's been. Just one year ago, a fed-up assistant unleashed his pilot post on an unsuspecting world. Now, a year later, that plaintive howl continues to reverberate.
Here, have some cake:

Coming soon: I try to slap some sense into Chad Michael Murray.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Script Writing Freeware and the UTA Joblist: 4.37

Have you seen the new open-source scriptwriting software, CeltX? (that's gotta be pronounced "Celtics", right?)

If you haven't heard of it, and you're one of my fledgling (or heck, even part-time) screenwriter readers, then you gotta check it out because it's arrived-- and it's pretty decent already. The person who tipped me off writes:

So far the only big drawback I've found is that for some reason, it doesn't number pages (it will only if you go to print preview.) Saves in .pdf. Text import-export has been pretty flawless thus far.

I'm linking to the site right here, or it's if you don't trust me.

Also, I need info on the UTA joblist. No, it's not for me, I'm just trying to be nice. Let's discuss that sought-after list, shall we?

Why is it so hard to get? When did it start? Who do you have to blow to be added? I seem to remember having come close to answers once, only to shirk away for fear of the bright light of truth.

So if anyone wants to share info, a copy of the list, or whateva, I know some fledgling assistants who'd be very grateful.

Also, please note, that Technorati currently has me equal to veteran columnist Army Archerd's blog in terms of their 'authority.' Let's review: Assistant/Atlas and Army Archerd, two famous A/A's, are now on the same plane, according to popular blog search engine Technorati.

Dude, where's my experience compared to this guy?

Oh yeah, in the New Media trenches.


Pimp My Advertiser

Michelle Lamar, of the irony-chic stronghold "White Trash Palace" has had her exploits chronicled by the Washington Post. It's nice to see my low-key advertisers like Michelle getting some press. If you'd like to read all about her in the WaPo, click here.

So congrats!

Now everyone, go check out White Trash Palace!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Ask Atlas: The Pull of the Famous Relatives: 4.36

Somewhere along the way, I became an authority on the world of Hollywood. Some of you, dear readers, have turned to me, a completely anonymous personage, for help. I get questions from writers wanting advice for meetings, people asking what I've heard about working with certain people or agencies, young bloggers seeking a blessing, even a question about my favorite car service (don't really have one, actually, although readers like PTS Limo/Executive Transport for demanding bosses).

My friends, have no fear, your Hollywood assistant superhero is here!

Today's letter comes courtesy of "Paul", who writes:

Your blog is great, it's helping me get ready for my future agent job. I have question: I have a very famous relative who i barely talk too, but still we have a lot in common. He has an agent at a big name agency, so obviously i'm thinking about how i can exploit him. What should i shoot for? Mail room, assistant to the executive assistant, or higher? he's a straight shooter and family so i don't wanna play him, i gotta be pretty up front with what i want, but i just wanna know how far an agent with bend for an A list client?


In response, I say: Dear Paul,

Interesting. Based on your willingness to work any angle to get ahead, I'd say you might be cut out to be an Ari. Here's what I'd do-- decide if you want to be an agent, first. If you want to be anything else, the connections should work, but just use them to get you started down the right path.

As to how far an agent would bend for an A-lister, insert your own buttlove joke here. Truthfully, it kinda depends. If you have some skills (ie- a good university education, a little experience as an assistant or prod. asst., anything, really) your A-List relative could probably score you a second assistant job on another agent's desk in the company. If you have no experience whatsoever, he could probably still get you into the mail room.

Here's how he'd have to pitch it to his agent (whom we'll call Ari for obvious reasons):
"We're all a big family here at XXX agency, aren't we, Ari? That's why I really want my nephew to work here- so our families can get closer. Because I think we both know that you don't want my nephew over at the agency across town telling me how great it is over there all the time, now do you?"

And then your relative would have to make sure Ari gave the HR person a call to ensure you got an assistant position on some relatively important person's desk. Make sure Ari knows that Uncle A-Lister is expecting you to get a call within a few days for an interview. If hired, you will likely start at the bottom of the agency assistant food chain, but it'll be almost ideal training for you.

Now, remember, pulling this off (and by 'this', I mean using nepotism successfully) could be tough. If Uncle A-Lister decamps for another agency, you could find a tough environment if you stay behind. And if you follow, you'll have taken another step forward thanks to nepotism. The key is that you'll have to wean yourself off of nepotism at some point or you're just another Eisner kid.

Understand, grasshopper?

And finally, here's a little ditty I found at the Dabbler's Diary that might inspire you. It's called The Agency Blues. Enjoy.